


You have an army. We have a... oh wait.

by hawkster55



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, genre-savvy characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-02-04 06:52:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1769689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkster55/pseuds/hawkster55
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bad news, people. Disney called. They’re not impressed by the material the production crew have put forward so far. They want a more upbeat version, something people can laugh at. They’ve sent us a script. It’s not good. But hey, apparently it’ll be fun. Team building, that kind of thing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	You have an army. We have a... oh wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a parody script I wrote for the Avengers movie, intended to be filmed by me and five friends when we go on holiday in a few weeks. Unfortunately the Hulk in our group can't come, which is why there is very little Hulk in this script. Sorry. Feedback would be welcome :)  
> Some parts are taken from the parody script at the Editing Room - go check it out, it's a work of art. Others are from the Thor: Dark World and Avengers HISHEs on YouTube. Also Jeremy Renner's SNL parody thing. But most of it's mine.  
> This will at some point be put in prose up on fanfiction.net, probably when it's properly finished and everything.

 

_The AVENGERS are sitting around the shawarma table when FURY approaches, absorbed in his phone and completely oblivious to the fact that the Avengers no longer look like the Avengers._

_FURY looks up._

FURY

Bad news, people. Disney called.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

(Earnestly) That’s terrible.

FURY

They’re not impressed by the material the production crew have put forward so far. They want a more upbeat version, something people can laugh at. They’ve sent us a script. It’s not good.

HAWKEYE

Seriously? They want us to do all that, to defeat Loki, again?

FURY

Apparently it’ll be fun. Team building, that kind of thing.

IRON MAN

I’ll still get twice as many lines as everyone else, right?

FURY

(Sighs) Yes.

IRON MAN

We’re in.

BLACK WIDOW

Wait, who put you in cha-

_\---CUT---_

_HILL enters a room where SELVIG is poking the TESSERACT. He looks up._

SELVIG

I thought Fury was supposed to be coming.

HILL

We had last-minute casting issues. What’s going on?

SELVIG

The Tesseract is misbehaving.

HILL

That supposed to be funny?

SELVIG

Well, uh, yeah. Last time I checked, this was a parody script, right?

HILL

Where’s Barton? If an archery target comes out of that thing, I want to be ready for it.

_HAWKEYE ninjas into shot._

HAWKEYE

As the only person here unqualified to make this observation, I'd like to point out that the cube is a door, and that doors open both ways, except for the kinds of door that only open one way.

HILL

We don’t know what’s on the other side of that thing. Could be dangerous.

SELVIG

Don’t be stupid. It’s perfectly safe. Look.

_SELVIG pokes it. Suddenly the world explodes and LOKI appears._

LOKI

Mwahaha, kneel before me, puny mortals! I am Loki, wearer of impossibly ridiculous helmets, and I am burdened with glorious porpoise!

SELVIG

Porpoise?

LOKI

Purpose. Apologies, the tongue translator appears to be malfunctioning. Now let's see - who should I brainwash? Film convention assures me that the scientist with the foreign accent will be useful for tech bullshit, and Hawkeye has heart, which should be useful for... heart-related villainy.

HILL

Well, I suppose it’s a good thing Fury’s not here after all. Otherwise Loki would brainwash him, too, and then the organisation would collapse without anyone to lead it, the Avengers would never assemble and the world would fall into Loki-shaped chaos, winning him the battle before it even began.

_LOKI looks at her._

LOKI

Just you wait for Captain America 2.

HILL

Okay… uh, I’ll just run, shall I?

LOKI

That might be best. Leave me the Tesseract please.

HILL

Well, since you asked nicely.

_HILL smiles nervously and runs like hell. LOKI clicks his fingers and HAWKEYE and SELVIG pack up the TESSERACT and they march off into the sunset._

_\---CUT---_

_BLACK WIDOW is painting her nails when the phone rings. Using her ninja skills, she picks it up._

COULSON

Widow? Widow, come in, we’ve got something big for you.

BLACK WIDOW

Phil, I’m working.

COULSON

It’s about the Avengers.

BLACK WIDOW

Still working.

COULSON

Barton’s been compromised?

BLACK WIDOW

When has he not?

COULSON

Natasha, look, we need you. Without you we’re gonna get sued or something for not standing up for equality for women, because let’s face it, this is America, and this is the modern day.

BLACK WIDOW

Oh, so one woman on a team of guys, that makes everything all right, does it?

COULSON

Please?

BLACK WIDOW

...Fine.

COULSON

I need you to bring in the Hulk.

BLACK WIDOW

Ah. Yeah, about that - Ed Norton refused to come back.

COULSON

What? So we don’t have a Hulk?

BLACK WIDOW

Don’t worry, I read ahead; he doesn’t actually advance the plot or anything, so it’s not like we need him. In fact, things might actually work out better for us without the giant green rage monster on our team.

COULSON

But why wasn’t I told about this?

BLACK WIDOW

Level 332. Trust the system.

_\---CUT---_

_COULSON comes off the phone. HILL enters._

HILL

How did it go?

COULSON

Okay. She agreed to it at least.

HILL

Really? How did you manage that?

COULSON

I told her she had to do it or the movie wouldn’t have any female chara…

_HILL stares at him._

COULSON

...ah.

_HILL stares at him._

COULSON

I meant… female Avengers?

_HILL stares at him._

COULSON

I’ll just… go get Stark, shall I?

HILL

That might be best.

\---CUT---

_IRON MAN is driving a remote control car. Suddenly it is stopped by a polished shoe. Panning up reveals COULSON is standing on it._

IRON MAN

Hey! How would you like it if I stood on Lola?

_COULSON takes his foot off the car quickly._

COULSON

Stark, we need your help. We’ve got a severely misunderstood almost-frost-giant baying for our blood.

IRON MAN

Meh, make Rhodey do it. He’s meant to be the government-liaison-official thingy, right? He’ll be… obedient, and stuff. S.H.I.E.L.D. said I wasn’t cut out for the Avengers anyway, so bringing me in is probably a breach of about thirty-seven protocols.

COULSON

But Rhodey’s boring! Without you, there’ll be no-one to deal out the fantastic one-liners our screenplay team spent so long devising! Think about it! You can’t let them down!

_COULSON produces the DVD case._

And look, the production team have already designed the cover! Who’ll we put in the centre if you’re not in on this?

IRON MAN

Face it, Agent. You miss me.

COULSON

Actually, we’re just trying to use up your contract so that we can get rid of you before Age of Ultron, but you can thi -

_COULSON catches sight of IRON MAN’s glare._

(Earnestly) I mean, we all miss you, Tony.

_IRON MAN gets up and hugs COULSON, now happy again._

IRON MAN

I’ve missed you too, Agent.

_\---CUT---_

_BLACK WIDOW and COULSON lead IRON MAN and CAPTAIN AMERICA onto the BRIDGE where FURY is waiting for them._

FURY

Welcome to our new operations center in the sky. Because when dealing with alien technology you don't understand, the only place to be when it malfunctions is miles above the ground!

_FURY starts shaking everybody’s hands. COULSON suddenly realises he’s standing next to CAPTAIN AMERICA._

COULSON

Oh my gosh it’s such an honour to meet you officially I mean I watched you when you were asleep but please don’t take that the wrong way I didn’t mean it like that oh my gosh I look like such an -

_COULSON faints into CAPTAIN AMERICA’s arms. BLACK WIDOW sighs as though this happens regularly, and helps carry him off._

_A beat._

IRON MAN

So, how d’you fly this thing?

FURY

Stark…

_\---CUT---_

THE OTHER

Remind me, why is this scene in here?

LOKI

Because I’m severely misunderstood.

THE OTHER

I do not understand.

LOKI

I’m fighting the stereotypes of my kind!

THE OTHER

What kind?

LOKI

Super-villains.

THE OTHER

Elaborate for me.

LOKI

Oh, seriously? I’m fighting the stereotypes with my heartfelt backstory to prove to the world that I am more than just another movie villain; I am different to all the others. I mean, I was abandoned at birth.

THE OTHER

Ah, I see, like the Maximoffs.

LOKI

What? No! I was raised as a different race to my true parentage -

THE OTHER

Nightcrawler -

LOKI

Lived in the shadow of my brother -

THE OTHER

Sabretooth, Juggernaut -

LOKI

I just want Thor to see me as an equal!

THE OTHER

Doctor Doom -

LOKI

Why can’t he understand that this is who I am now?

THE OTHER

Magneto -

LOKI

I just want to be loved!

THE OTHER

Thanos, Enchantress -

LOKI

JUST SHUT UP!

THE OTHER

 _Laughs_ At least you’re actually in the movies. Think of poor Balder!

LOKI

Who?

THE OTHER

Your other brother.

LOKI

...oh yes, that one. Bit dull, really. Not entertaining enough to make the cut.

THE OTHER

Well if this is what sibling rivalry did to you, I hate to think what’s going to happen to him.

\---CUT---

_FURY, HILL, BLACK WIDOW and CAPTAIN AMERICA are standing on the BRIDGE._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Look, I know I’m a bit new here, but what does S.H.I.E.L.D. actually stand for?

HILL

Hang on, let me check.

_HILL, FURY and BLACK WIDOW produce cards from somewhere. HILL spots CAPTAIN AMERICA’s confused expression._

HILL

We all get issued cards on recruitment in case someone asks us that. It’s kind of a mouthful.

(AT THE SAME TIME, READING OFF CARDS)

FURY

| 

HILL

| 

BLACK WIDOW  
  
---|---|---  
  
Strategic Hazard

Intervention Espionage

Logistics Directorate.

| 

Supreme Headquarters

International Espionage Law-Enforcement Division.

| 

Strategic Homeland

Intervention Enforcement Logistics Division.  
  
_They glare at each other._

ALL

Joss!

_They storm off._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Forget I asked.

_Enter IRON MAN._

IRON MAN

Hey, Spangles. We found Loki!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Let’s go!

_CAPTAIN AMERICA and IRON MAN run off._

_\---CUT---_

THOR

I’m coming after ya, Lokes!

(pause)

Er, I mean, do I look to be in a gaming mood? Betwixt! Verily!

LOKI

Brother, it must have taken every ounce of the All-father's hurberble to plugurble you back to Earth. Let's discuss it no more.

_IRON MAN arrives. Implausible fight scene where the only real damage done is to some probably protected species of tree. LOKI runs up a nearby hill to watch from a safe distance._

LOKI

Do a flip!

_CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Hey guys, could we settle this in a non-violent manner somehow?

THOR

Never!

_THOR bashes CAPTAIN AMERICA’s shield with his hammer. Nothing happens._

THOR

(Confused) That was meant to work…

IRON MAN

His shield absorbs vibrations - what did you expect it to do, send out a massive shockwave levelling the entire forest?

THOR

Well...

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Woah, hang on a second, your hammer has decimated everything you've ever hit with it, you had no way of knowing my shield or Stark’s armour would protect us. Did you just attempt to straight-up murder us? Don’t change shot, I want an answer to thi-

LOKI

Hello.

IRON MAN

You’re still here?

LOKI

Yes.

THOR

Why didn’t you run away while we settled our differences?

LOKI

I’ll never tell. Mwahaha. MWAHAHA.

IRON MAN

Okay, we are not taking him back to base. He is definitely up to something.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Sorry Tony, I’m contractually obliged to trust everything and everyone, give people a second chance and all of that. I’m sure he won’t be any trouble. I mean, how can you resist that innocent face?

_Shot of LOKI’s innocent face._

_\---CUT---_

LOKI

An impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me.

COULSON

Built for people a lot smaller than you. We forgot to tell the set designers that we were cutting Ant-man and Wasp for the movie.

LOKI

So where am I supposed to stay?

COULSON

Well, given that film convention assures us that you're going to escape anyway, we thought we'd let you go free now and save time later. Don't tell Thor. We need to fool him into thinking you're still on board.

LOKI

Trust me when I say that will not be hard. Tell you what, I'll call Hawkeye back as a gesture of goodwill. Because frankly, I'm a magic god with a glowstick of destiny and he doesn't even have super powers, so I don't know what I'd need him for anyway.

COULSON

Glad we could come to an agreement. If you’ll step this way…

_\---CUT---_

IRON MAN

So…

FURY

Stark? Out with it.

IRON MAN

Well, since you let Loki go because of film convention and managed not to sign my science buddy, I have nothing to do until the Avengers actually get on with it and Assemble.

FURY

Stop right there. How do you know about Loki?

IRON MAN

I’m a hacker, deal with it.

FURY

JARVIS!

JARVIS

My most sincere apologies, Director.

IRON MAN

So, since I’m bored...

FURY

Dammit, Stark, how many times? No, you cannot fly the Helicarrier.

_CAPTAIN AMERICA runs in, dragging a confused BLACK WIDOW after him._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

The Helicarrier is under attack! Avengers Assemble!

_THOR arrives_

THOR

I shall assist, mainly because I’m stuck here on Earth without the Blue Cube, but also, more importantly, because I’m stuck here on Earth without the Blue Cube.

_IRON MAN gets up._

IRON MAN

Does somebody need my help? Wait, stupid question.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Am I the only one who feels like someone's missing?

BLACK WIDOW

Well no -

THOR

Alas, friends, I too am, ah, "getting the vibe".

BLACK WIDOW

Actually it's -

IRON MAN

Don't worry guys, my ego will make up for it!

BLACK WIDOW

No, that's -

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Shut up, Stark.

IRON MAN

Sorry, my random comeback generator got damaged in the last fight. Bear with me.

BLACK WIDOW

Guys -

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Yeah? Put on the suit, let's go a few rounds.

BLACK WIDOW

Really -?

IRON MAN

Good idea, I'll put it on the house.

BLACK WIDOW

GUYS! I know who's missing!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Who?

IRON MAN

Ant man?

THOR

Wasp?

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Edward Norton?

BLACK WIDOW

No, it's Hawkeye!

THOR

Who's that?

IRON MAN

Yeah? I don't remember him from any of my movies...

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Me neither...

IRON MAN

Wait, maybe she means the football team?

BLACK WIDOW

Okay, okay. Point taken.

_Ominous crash_

FURY

Avengers. Helicarrier. Under attack.

IRON MAN

Bet you wish you’d let me fly it in the first place now, don’t you?

_Rolls up his sleeves._

Ah well, how hard can it be?

_IRON MAN starts flying the HELICARRIER while FURY stands around looking anxious and pretending to be in charge._

FURY

Stark! If you break my baby -

_A beat._

Okay, forget I ever said that.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Yessir, on it sir. Do not fret, Miss Romanoff, I will not let the danger reach you.

BLACK WIDOW

Wha-?

_CAPTAIN AMERICA leaves. BLACK WIDOW storms after him._

THOR

I must go to check on my brother. He suffers verily from travel sickness.

_\---CUT---_

_COULSON looks away from the monitor to the empty Loki-cage._

COULSON

Dammit, Thor’s coming. He’s going to notice Loki’s not here. What am I meant to do now? What would Fury do? Probably pull some super-secret badass spy stunt to get himself out of it…

_Catches sight of a conveniently placed gun nearby._

Well, this was never going to work if they didn’t have something to bond over. And I guess this is Marvel, so I won’t be gone for long. Who knows, maybe Fury’ll give me my own series once this is over…

_Picks up gun._

I’ve always wanted to visit Tahiti…

_\---CUT---_

_BLACK WIDOW is chasing after CAPTAIN AMERICA when she hears a noise behind her. She stops and turns around._

HAWKEYE (off)

*Makes ghost noises*

BLACK WIDOW

Clint?

HAWKEYE (off)

(Whispers) I’m coming for you…

BLACK WIDOW

Seriously?

HAWKEYE (off)

Awooooooh…

BLACK WIDOW

Okay, now you’re just creeping me out.

_HAWKEYE appears behind her and charges. BLACK WIDOW sticks her leg out and he trips over it and gets knocked out._

HAWKEYE

Ouch…

_BLACK WIDOW looks around shiftily before grabbing HAWKEYE and dragging him into the nearest room._

BLACK WIDOW

God, Clint, you’re really heavy…

_Door shuts._

_\---CUT---_

_COULSON is lying on the floor pretending to be dead. As THOR enters he shuts his eyes and holds his breath._

THOR

Son of Coul!

COULSON

Thor, Loki… coughs killed me!

THOR

No!

_Enter IRON MAN._

COULSON

Everything I’ve been through has led to this swift and unexpected ending. Goodbye.

THOR

Noooooooo! Alas, we must leave his body here and return to the situation at hand.

IRON MAN

Are you sure he’s dead?

THOR

He is dead. See?

IRON MAN

Yeah, I’m not buying it.

_IRON MAN kicks COULSON._

COULSON

Owwww! Yeah, okay, you caught me alright, I’m not dead, jeez! Just don’t tell Fury - he promised me my own series if I died valiantly in battle.

IRON MAN

Uh… You shot yourself. In the vague hope that the Marvel Universe would bring you back to life.

THOR

It does that. Quite frequently.

IRON MAN

Which leads me on to the next question - how are you still alive?

COULSON

Well, there’re quite a few theories, actually… I could be a Life Model Decoy, or a super-soldier, or a clone, or Vision, or Dr. Strange could have brought me back, or Scarlet Witch, or Phoenix, or that weird Kree tech, or -

IRON MAN

(Sarcastically) ...yep, I reckon that question has enough potential to warrant 22 episodes of your own series as an answer. Congratulations.

_\---CUT---_

HAWKEYE

You ever had someone take your mind and play? Take out you and stuff someone else in? You know what it’s like to be unmade?

BLACK WIDOW

Clint, you’re milking it.

HAWKEYE

Well, okay, but it’s not my fault! I didn’t get my own movie, you can’t blame me for wanting to make the most of the screen time! Stark already got two, he’s got another scheduled and he’s pretty much running the show in this too!

_BLACK WIDOW starts pulling him off-camera, making irritated noises._

(CONT.)

And I’ve only got thirty-five freaking lines in this! That’s even less than Coulson, and he dies halfway through and gets his own series as a consolation prize!

BLACK WIDOW

You counted?

HAWKEYE

Yes, I counted! You want to know when?

BLACK WIDOW

Not really -

HAWKEYE

When the Avengers came together for the first time, about thirty seconds ago! And you want to know where I was?

BLACK WIDOW

Actually -

HAWKEYE

I was busy counting my goddamn lines because there was nothing good on the crappy TV channels in the caravans! And I didn’t even get to wear purple- !

_\---CUT---_

__

_The AVENGERS and FURY are gathered on the BRIDGE._

IRON MAN

Guys, guys! I’ve used my genius-level intellect to work out where Loki is!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Really, where?

IRON MAN

Stark Tower!

BLACK WIDOW

Stark, not everything revolves around you.

IRON MAN

No, just hear me out, yeah? The final showdown is obviously gonna be in New York, because that’s where aliens always target first. Loki’s gonna be looking for a big building, recognisable from Marvel lore to make the climax more dramatic. But Sony have the rights to the OsCorp Tower, Fox have got the Baxter Building and X-Mansion, which means that the only place left is -

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Stark Tower. Fantastic.

IRON MAN

They don’t call me Sherlock for nothing.

_EVERYONE ELSE looks confused._

_\---CUT---_

_The AVENGERS arrive at STARK TOWER and look around in confusion._

IRON MAN

Wait, where is he?

CAPTAIN AMERICA

I guess you’re just a really bad judge of character…

THOR

Loki! Declare yourself, give up this verily poisonous dream!

_A beat._

LOKI! The Allfather will hear of this!

HAWKEYE

Hey guys, look, he’s over there. Baxter Building.

THOR

Sayeth what?

Shot of LOKI waving happily.

BLACK WIDOW

We’re gonna get sued so badly for this.

THOR

Wherefore is he there?

_\---FLASHBACK---_

_At the doors to Stark Tower, LOKI and SELVIG arrive, carrying cardboard boxes full of alien tech._

LOKI

Exactly what I wanted - a monument built to the sky with someone else’s name on it.

SELVIG

You are magic, right? You could always cha….

LOKI

No, we must hurry to let in my alien army before the Avengers are brought together by that random agent’s death.

JARVIS

May I help you?

LOKI

Certainly, disembodied voice. We require entry.

JARVIS

My access to SHIELD’s computer system tells me that you are Loki, brother of Thor…

LOKI

I AM NOT HIS BROTHER!

JARVIS

...and I cannot let you in. Apologies.

LOKI

What?! My world dominating plans have been foiled by a computer!

SELVIG

We could try the Baxter Building.

LOKI

I knew there was a reason I kept you around...Yes, then the Man of Iron will not have access to his vast collection of suits, and since Fox has the rights to the Fantastic Four the Avengers can’t come after me without incurring the wrath of the copyright cops. Proceed.

_\---END FLASHBACK---_

IRON MAN

You can see him from here?

HAWKEYE

Well, I do need at least one useful trait to warrant my inclusion on this team…

IRON MAN

JARVIS. His eyes. I want them. Get it done.

BLACK WIDOW

Because that’s not creepy…

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Guys, we’re wasting time. Let’s go get him!

_\---CUT---_

_Cue beautiful re-enactment of the fight scene from the HISHE._

_On top of the BAXTER BUILDING. THOR and LOKI are facing off._

THOR

Brother Loki, this madness must cease! Verily!

LOKI

I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER. HOW MANY TIMES, THOR?

THOR

But Loki…

_Silence._

Loki. Loki, really? Loki, are you giving me the silent treatment?

LOKI

…

THOR

Fine, you’re not my brother...

LOKI

Thank you, finally some sense!

THOR

...technically. _Quickly changing the subject before Loki explodes/turns blue._ Loki, you must stop this!

LOKI

Nope.

THOR

But this is the part where you admit you’ve been under the Tesseract’s control the whole time and surrender to me, helping us to stop the Chitauri and regaining your own freedom before coming to live in harmony with the Avengers in Stark Tower.

LOKI

… Thor, have you been reading Midgardian fanfiction again?

THOR

Hangs head. Perhaps…

_\--CUT--_

_IRON MAN and CAPTAIN AMERICA are staring up at where THOR and LOKI are facing off on top of the BAXTER BUILDING._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

This isn’t working. He’s too strong.

IRON MAN

Well, I’ve got a trick up my sleeve.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Really? It fits up there?

IRON MAN

We’ve talked about this. Respect the suit.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Fine. What’s the trick?

IRON MAN

It might backfire.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

(Proudly) I’m self-sacrificing and noble beyond comprehension.

IRON MAN

Fine.

_IRON MAN looks to the sky._

JOSS! WE’VE ALMOST FINISHED THE MOVIE AND NO-ONE’S DIED YET! YOU’RE GONNA GET FIRED!

_Silence._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Well that -

CAMERAWOMAN

(Choking) Uh, guys -

_CAPTAIN AMERICA and IRON MAN look round. CAMERAWOMAN topples over, sending camera to the floor pointing upwards. CAPTAIN AMERICA hurries over and looms into view._

IRON MAN (off)

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

(checking pulse, off) She’s not breathing.

_IRON MAN appears over his shoulder._

IRON MAN

Don’t sweat it, Cap. She was just some crazy Marvel fan anyway. There are loads more where this one came from; we can still finish the movie.

_CAPTAIN AMERICA throws himself over the body, partially obstructing the camera view._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

(Sobbing) Another innocent life has been claimed in our heroic quest for victory! I never meant for this to happen! Please, God, forgive me for my sins!

IRON MAN

Okay, cut. Cut! Oh, for God’s sake!

_THOR arrives._

THOR

I forgive you, Steve Rogers.

_THOR leaves._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Wait, if you’re here, who’s fighting Lo-

_IRON MAN finally extracts the camera and turns it off._

_\---CUT---_

_A group of concerned CIVILIANS are standing in the street, staring into the distance in horror._

CIVILIAN 1

Quick, guys, they’re coming for us! Remember the plan?

CIVILIAN 2

Yeah - suddenly develop a character in the hope that we’ll get kept alive for being interesting. Some plan.

BETH

You got a better idea?

Silence.

CIVILIAN 2

Fine. I’ll be… really scared. Or something.

CIVILIAN 1

What? I already said I wanted to be the scared one!

CIVILIAN 2

Well tough, I’m scared now!

CIVILIAN 1

You can’t just do that!

CIVILIAN 2

Watch me.

_CIVILIAN 2 runs off screaming. The others stare after her._

CIVILIAN 1

What just happened?

BETH

Hey, I know! I’ll be madly in love with Captain America!

CIVILIAN 1

That’ll never work.

BETH

Why not? It’s worth a try.

CIVILIAN 1

Yeah, but this is the new age. Women aren’t there just to be love interests any more. Besides, you’ve seen what happens to the love interests in the Wolverine movies. This won’t be any different, you’ll see.

_Suddenly they get attacked by a CHITAURI. CIVILIAN 1 runs like hell. BETH shuts her eyes._

BETH

Steeeeeevvveeeeee!!!!!!!

_CAPTAIN AMERICA suddenly appears and throws his shield at the CHITAURI, who catches it. CAPTAIN AMERICA looks scared. BETH gazes at him in adoration._

_\---CUT---_

_HAWKEYE is staring down at the scene._

HAWKEYE

Widow, Capsicle’s got a Chitauri problem.

BLACK WIDOW (over comm.)

So shoot it.

HAWKEYE

I ran out of arrows.

BLACK WIDOW

What? How many did you bring?

HAWKEYE

All of them, like, thirty two.

BLACK WIDOW

Thirty two? There’s like, at least a thousand Chitauri out here!

HAWKEYE

And I killed thirty two of them. You’re welcome.

BLACK WIDOW

Oh, for god’s sake.

_\---CUT---_

_The CHITAURI advances. Suddenly it gets shot and dies. CAPTAIN AMERICA looks relieved._

_\---CUT---_

_BLACK WIDOW lowers her gun._

HAWKEYE (over comm.)

Nice shot.

BLACK WIDOW

(Sarcastically) Thanks.

_\---CUT---_

_BETH hugs CAPTAIN AMERICA, who looks terrified again._

BETH

You saved me! Captain America saved my life!

She leans in to kiss him. He looks even more terrified.

_\---CUT---_

_HAWKEYE makes an ‘eww’ face. Yes that’s a technical stage direction term._

HAWKEYE

Aww, come on, that’s just not fair. Why’s it always him? He didn’t even do anything this time!

IRON MAN (over comm.)

Suck it up, Tweetie Pie.

_(During the following, a CHITAURI starts sneaking up behind him.)_

HAWKEYE

That’s all right for you to say! You don’t know how it feels to get left out of everything all the time! Being an undercover assassin really sucks sometimes. Most of the time, in fact. You should try it so… (looks over shoulder surreptitiously) ...so I don’t end up running out of lines because the goddamn ninja Chitauri sneaking up behind me is taking too -

_The ninja CHITAURI knocks him out._

HAWKEYE

Ooof.

IRON MAN (over comm.)

And this is why we try our best to ignore you.

_\---CUT---_

_IRON MAN goes inside to talk to LOKI._

LOKI

Are you here to fight me?

IRON MAN

No actually, I'm here to cram the word 'Avenge' into this movie as much as is physically possible. Avenge avenge avenge ave-

LOKI

You cannot defeat me. I have an army.

IRON MAN

We have a-

_IRON MAN pauses with an internally screaming face. LOKI smiles politely._

LOKI

Yes?

IRON MAN

God, we don't even have a bigger fan base, do we. What is up with this franchise?

_Suddenly THOR appears, grabs LOKI's glowstick and throws it out the window._

THOR

Plot device!

_THOR vanishes. LOKI stares at his empty hands and then disappears. IRON MAN frowns, then shrugs and walks out._

\---CUT---

_BLACK WIDOW is standing outside under a window. Suddenly the glowstick falls out of it. She catches it, looking vaguely surprised._

BLACK WIDOW

That's convenient.

_\---CUT---_

_FURY is talking to the SHADY COUNCIL PEOPLE._

FURY

So what do you want me to do now? Loki and his army are taking over New York.

SHADY COUNCILMAN 1

Blow up New York.

FURY

You what?

SHADY COUNCILWOMAN

Yeah! Do it!

FURY

Uh. No?

SHADY COUNCILMAN 2

But think of the pretty fireworks.

FURY

No.

SHADY COUNCILMAN 1

Well that’s boring.

SHADY COUNCILWOMAN

Don’t worry guys, I have the nuke launch button right here.

_SHADY COUNCIL PEOPLE cheer._

FURY

Noooooooo-

_\---CUT---_

CAUTION - THIS SCENE CONTAINS VERY QUICK SHOT CHANGES. LIKE, EVEN QUICKER THAN THE ONE THAT JUST HAPPENED. AND SINCE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WRITE THEM, THIS IS GOING TO GET ---CUT--- QUITE A LOT. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

_BLACK WIDOW approaches SELVIG, who has the magic portal thing nearby._

BLACK WIDOW

Selvig, your foreign-ness and scienceitude have doomed us all!

She punches him, thereby solving the problem of the whole brain-washing thing.

SELVIG

Wait, in my hypnotic state I managed to build a thing into the thing, so you can close the portal!

BLACK WIDOW

Huh, that’s actually kind of useful. Stark, do you copy?

_\---CUT---_

_IRON MAN is flying towards the nuke._

IRON MAN

Yeah. You hear that, Barton? Selvig, a guy with absolutely no training whatsoever, managed to save the entire movie with a handy off-button while under mind control. What did you do again?

_\---CUT---_

_HAWKEYE groans, pushing up from the floor._

HAWKEYE

Stark, stop it. Drowning in angst here.

_He rolls over to see that the CHITAURI has, surprisingly, not left._

Oh great.

_\---CUT---_

_Back to BLACK WIDOW and SELVIG._

SELVIG

So should we close it?

IRON MAN (over comm.)

Not before I throw this nuclear missile through it and blow up the alien mothership!

BLACK WIDOW

Wait, what? How do you know there’s an alien mothership up there? And even if there is, how is blowing it up going to help any more than just closing the portal from down here? This isn’t some stupid sci-fi movie, the aliens don’t just randomly die because their space ship got blown up any more -

_\---CUT---_

_CAPTAIN AMERICA is staring into the sky. THOR is behind him, fighting off CHITAURI._

CAPTAIN AMERICA (into comm.)  
Stark, you know that’s a one-way trip, right?

_\---CUT---_

_Back to BLACK WIDOW and SELVIG._

BLACK WIDOW

Oh, well in that case go for it. We’ll wait down here.

_\---CUT---_

_IRON MAN reaches the nuke and picks it up. Or does whatever you’re meant to do with something like that when you’re both flying. In which case you’re not really picking it up because you’re both already ‘up’._

IRON MAN

Cool, see you guys later.

_\---CUT---_

_FURY and HILL are watching the battle on monitors as HILL bites her nails._

FURY

Is Stark still trying to catch up with Batman?

HILL

Yeah… At least if he fakes his own death too we won’t have to put up with him any more.

FURY

Good point.

_\---CUT---_

__

_IRON MAN flies through space and sees the spaceship, throwing the nuke at it. It blows up obediently. He falls backwards through space._

_\---CUT---_

_On the ground, CHITAURI fall to the floor around THOR and CAPTAIN AMERICA, who looks up, turns and runs off. THOR pokes a fallen CHITAURI with a bemused expression._

_\---CUT---_

_HAWKEYE is lying on the floor and the CHITAURI is attempting to punch his face in. Suddenly the punches stop coming. He opens one eye tentatively and the CHITAURI falls on top of him._

_\---CUT---_

_BLACK WIDOW and SELVIG have the glowstick and are waiting to put it in the magic portal generator._

BLACK WIDOW

Can I close it yet?

SELVIG

But Iron Man is still up there...

BLACK WIDOW

Yeah...

_SELVIG looks faintly alarmed. CAPTAIN AMERICA runs up._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Do it.

_SELVIG looks even more alarmed._

SELVIG

Okay, that’s it, I’m outta here.

_SELVIG runs off, looking absolutely terrified. BLACK WIDOW shoves the thing in the wotsit and the portal closes._

_\---CUT---_

_IRON MAN is falling backwards through space, through the portal._

_\---CUT---_

_LOKI strides towards where BLACK WIDOW, SELVIG and CAPTAIN AMERICA are standing._

LOKI

Congratulations, you’ve got rid of my army. What, exactly, do you propose doing about me? I am still a demi-god, after all.

THOR

Try this!

_THOR appears and stomps towards LOKI, ready to swing Mjolnir at his head. LOKI vanishes and reappears behind the others. THOR falls over because momentum. They turn around in confusion._

_(During the following, HAWKEYE sneaks up behind LOKI, knife drawn.)_

LOKI

And you appear to have misplaced the rage monster, who, might I add, was the only way your plan would work in the first place.

_HAWKEYE reaches out to slit LOKI’s throat because he’s a lovely person. LOKI vanishes and reappears behind him._

LOKI

Did you really think that would work?

HAWKEYE

No, but you’re standing in the right place now.

_LOKI looks up and IRON MAN falls on him. IRON MAN groans feebly and rolls off him._

IRON MAN

Shawarma. I want shawarma.

_\---CUT---_

__

_LOKI stirs and opens his eyes. When he looks up he sees the AVENGERS standing over him looking all powerful and majestic and stuff. He grins, clicks him fingers and disappears._

IRON MAN

...how did we not see that coming?

_\---CUT---_

MID-CREDITS:

_BRUCE BANNER is watching the obligatory news montage thing at the end of the actual movie._

STAN LEE  
Superheroes? In New York? Gimme a-

_BRUCE BANNER turns it off, buries his head in his hands, and starts crying._

_\---CUT---_

END OF CREDITS:

_THE AVENGERS are sitting around the Shawarma table. Suddenly CAPTAIN AMERICA frowns, stops eating and sits up._

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Guys, does anyone remember where we left the glowstick of plot device?

IRON MAN

Dude, it’s a plot device, you can’t just ask who’s got it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

But what if it falls into the wrong hands?

IRON MAN

Seriously, do you want a second movie or not?

_\---CUT---_


End file.
